Society has constructed many unrealistic expectations. Whether it’s the new beauty standard or the strictly masculine role men are supposed to conform to, these beliefs often breed toxic outcomes. Although as society becomes allegedly more ‘progressive’, which is only somewhat applicable to the Western nations of the world, one outdated ideology that is continually enforced on young people, is the malignant pressure to love the family they were born into. The idea is that regardless of whether or not your relationship with your biological family is good and healthy, you must love them and reciprocate what they have given you.
When parents decide to be parents, they take on the responsibility of bringing a life into this world and providing for them, thus pressuring your children with the expectation of giving back what they have received is questionable. Now, in no shape or form am I saying supporting your parents and family is wrong. But it is only something a CHILD should be doing when in a comfortable enough position to do so and not because their parents, their PROVIDERS are incapable to deal with the consequences that arose from them having sex and are now demanding support.
Children are expected to respect their elders, be eternally grateful for their parents raising them and love them despite actions towards you. Whereas in reality the bare minimum your parents can do is raise you in a loving home, this is their chosen destiny and not something children should pay back for throughout their adult lives. The enforced pressure on children to love their parents just because of the biological connection they have to one another can often prove quite harmful. There are many cases where the parents are not outright abusive to their children as the abuse is not reflected in physical form but instead emotional and verbal. These scenarios can often be hard to notice, as emotional abuse is hard to define, especially for a child, plus sometimes the abuse stems from something as simple as unresolved trauma on the parent’s side.
In a situation where a child is being raised in a toxic environment, encouraging them to love and accept the very person that is causing them harm can lead to long term trauma and mental health issues. A study by the Office for National Statistics found that children aged 11-16 from dysfunctional families are more likely to have a mental disorder, reinforcing how unhealthy these societal stereotypes can be.
Just because someone is your parent or family member does not mean that they can’t be a toxic person. Making children blind to the realities that are toxic families only further exposes them to psychological handicaps. If a family member, parent to be precise subjects their children to a hostile environment, or one in which they don’t feel safe or secure, society should not then pressure children to be grateful for ‘everything their parents have given them’ or ‘for bringing them into this world.’ Instead, children should be made to feel as though it is human to feel a sense of distaste towards your parents if they are the source of your unhappiness.
Childhood trauma often goes unnoticed when disguised as toxic behaviour at the hands of the parents, because it is not something that is clear to an outsider. Meanwhile, children are not aware enough to understand when it is happening to them and speak up. There are several ways in which psychological abuse can be expressed within a family, including gaslighting, stonewalling, triangulation and more.
Dysfunctional families are the result of many possibilities, such as past trauma, unfortunate family events, parental inadequacy, parents with mental health issues, and so on. All of these reasons result in toxic behaviour, not just within the family. However, these toxic and abuse traits are often more directed at the members of the family because “family members are easy targets to toxic people – and emotional abusers – because they can and they will continue to bully and hurt you, fully expecting you to sit and endure it.”
The consequences of this childhood trauma and abuse follow children into their adult life. Whether that’s in the form of depression, anxiety, BPD, abandonment issues, drug abuse, the effects are long term and often impact how these now-adults are able to raise their own children. As a society, we must help children understand what a dysfunctional family is and whether or not they are being subject to emotional abuse. Without doing so we are simply enabling a cycle of trauma to go on from generation to generation.
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