Advice can quite often come across as condescending, patronising or even diminishing. Advice has become just something we feel obliged to provide when people are in distress, not an act of kindness but almost a duty. What makes matters worse is generally people listen just to respond, they don’t listen to fully understand the problems at hand. Now, this most of the time does not stem from a place of hatred, or a lack of empathy, the reason is quite simple, most people don’t have a fucking clue what to say to you to make things better, and you yourself don’t know what you want to hear to make you feel better.
A lot of the time when we’re going through trauma, or just an emotional period in our lives, we think we want someone telling us what we should do to make things better. But that’s not the case, be honest with yourself, after undergoing severe stress, the last thing you want is someone saying, ‘just be more positive’ or some other cliche nonsense. What we really want is just to vent and dump all of our emotional baggage onto a third party, however, because of this newfound duty that each verbal release has to be met with a piece of advice, that reads like a piece of wall art hanging in the living room of a middle-aged mum, ‘live, laugh, love.’
Now I’m not saying to ever seek advice from your friends or those around you because that would have a deteriorating impact on your relationship, plus there is the odd occasion on which the person you are venting to bestows a life-changing piece of advice upon you.
This whole article is honestly very ironic, considering the fact I spent the first half explaining why people don’t give good advice and in the second half, I’m gonna give you my top three pieces of advice. As a 24-year-old, it’s easy to argue and say that I have barely lived or experienced life, and as true as that is to a certain extent, I have indeed lived through a lot in my short time on this planet. The trauma, emotional turmoil, neglect, abuse, mental instability and so on that I have experienced through my 24 years have meant that I have heard my fair share of advice.
So, I thought it would be best to share the three cathartic simple phrases that changed my perspective on life and helped me feel less lost.
1. Whatever is meant to be will be
This is probably the most cliche piece of advice you will ever here and it gets used almost on a daily basis. There’s a good reason for that, it’s true. When I first heard someone say this to me, I wanted to rip their tongue out of their mouth, obviously because they did not know what they were saying, right?
It took me years, and countless times of being told ‘whatever is meant to be will be’ before I was finally able to understand what it meant. You see, in life when we are faced with difficult situations, our automatic response is to get things under OUR control, and that’s where we go wrong. Most of the things we begin trying to control, were never in our control, to begin with, they were simply going in the direction we had hoped for. So whenever things fall out of place, we assume we’ve lost our grip. But the truth of the matter is, the only thing in this world we have total control over is ourselves, our actions, decisions and thoughts. Therefore, when faced with difficulty, we need to remember to stop trying to control things that are beyond our control and instead bring that focus back to ourselves. Because the more you dwell on things you can’t change, the more harm you cause upon yourself.
So when you think of the phrase, ‘whatever is meant to be will be,’ don’t think of it as a lazy piece of advice but instead a life mantra. Things outside of your control will happen as they please and you have to accept that, whether that’s not getting a job you wanted or going through heartbreak, in both cases you can’t make the person take you back, and the more you try the more hurt you get. However, if you let things play out themselves and focus on only bettering yourself then progress is the only destination you will reach.
As much as I live by this phrase, it should be loosely used in cases of trauma, assault or abuse experienced by someone. For example, I would never apply this phrase to someone who is living in a domestically abusive relationship, as it is toxic rhetoric to push in such cases. This is a piece of advice you use whenever there is an inconvenience in your life or an emotional hiccup.
2. It may not be your fault, but it’s your responsibility
This piece of advice I came across in a self-help book and it stuck with me. But as accurate as the phrase may be, it’s a hard pill to swallow, especially in cases where the trauma in question is of a more violent nature.
This phrase relates to the idea that, although it may not be your fault that you have undergone a traumatic experience, it’s your responsibility on how you choose to deal with it. The reason this can be a hard pill to swallow is to take, for example, a victim of sexual assault, now imagine telling them that it’s not their fault they were assaulted but they’re responsible for their reaction, it’s not an easy thing to hear. But it’s true.
Speaking from experience as a victim of sexual assault, it was hard for me to grasp how I could be responsible for my response. But it was true, I could have either decided to live my life in fear, changing the way I dress, not going out etc. Instead, I realised that it wasn’t my fault, I was in fact the victim and I should not be further punishing myself for the wrongdoings of another person.
It comes down to whether or not you choose to be passive or active in your response, and just like most things in life the latter is much easier said than done. Undergoing a traumatic experience often means you need external help and support and as important as that is, it does not change the fact that you are the only person responsible for how you choose to deal with things, whether that ghosting everyone for a month or starting a new hobby.
3. Every emotion is valid
We live in a society where a positive vibes only lifestyle is constantly being shoved down our throats, it’s useful to be reminded that every emotion we feel is valid. As humans, we experience multiplex of emotions, all of which should be cared for equally.
The idea of being happy 24/7 is not only impossible but trying to accomplish it is unhealthy. You should allow yourself to experience every emotion, whether it’s sadness, grief, fear, jealousy or something else. The true art is in being able to control how you experience them, without harming yourself or anyone around you.
Learn how to be angry without self-sabotaging, learn how to be jealous without overthinking, learn how to be sad and cry without falling into a pit of despair. Whatever method works for you, just make sure you are not forcing yourself to lead a falsely positive life because it will drive you insane.
ta